Lost My Erection

There are lots of books in the marketplace explaining the differences between men and women. You know the ones about each of us being from a different planet or how to make peace with each other ...all that stuff. Well an event happened to me the other day that I know both sexes can relate to and while daydreaming on a train it struck me that it also was the perfect opportunity to explain to women what it feels like to lose your erection.

Think of the build up around an early morning trip. The night before you check the flight schedule to make sure takeoff is really at 6:00 a.m. and you start subtracting the hour for check-in, the 45 minute drive to the airport, 15 minutes to park the car and 8 hours of sleep only to realize you're already off schedule by 2 hours. Too hyped up by the anticipation of having to wake at 4:00 a.m. you can't get to sleep. The adrenaline is building.

Despite knowing you are on a tight schedule when the alarm rudely goes off at 4:00 a.m. you hit the snooze button. 15 minutes later you jump out of bed like a fireman responding to a four alarm call.

The shower slows you down a bit because it is a cold morning and the hot water feels so good.

"There won't be anyone on the roads," you think to yourself. Brush the teeth, shave, take your vitamin and put on the deodorant.

"Damn, is it really 4:55 already? Where the hell are my socks? I put them right here last night. I gotta go!"

The car windows are iced over (overlooked this in the planning) so you scrape a square large enough to give you vision to oncoming traffic. You hope the rear defroster melts what is behind you in a hurry. You skip the side windows altogether and just take your chances.

The clock in the car is 10 minutes fast, so your heart starts pounding thinking about how you are going to explain to the boss you missed the appointment. When the guy on the radio says he'll have the news at the top of the hour you breathe a sigh of relief remembering how you set the clock forward to trick yourself. There is a moment of embarrassment realizing you are so stupid that you can trick yourself!

No cars on the road. This is good. Every traffic light is red. This is bad. More build up.

Construction ahead - left lane closed. Only 10 cars on the road all trying to shoehorn through the one lane. Slight delay. More anxiety.

No cops out so you push it to 80 m.p.h. to make up for the lost minutes and straight ahead is the airport exit and you are just behind schedule. Feeling dangerous. Feeling good.

Get off at the parking lot ramp but suddenly you are faced with the long term v. short term fork in the road. Early morning brain confused between efficiency and your company expense sheet.

"It cost how much for parking?" says a little voice from accounting.

Welcome to Bradley International Long Term Parking, Floors 1,2 and 4 are full. Accelerate back up to 80 m.p.h. and hope no one steps out from their car. Get to floor 3 and you can see 2 empty spaces right next to the elevator - handicap only. Skip the remaining floors and just drive straight to the rooftop! So much for coming home to a snow free car.

Sprint to the elevator picking up a nice sweat along the way. Doors close and you fumble around for the cell phone to check the time (like a moron I stopped wearing a watch years ago in an act of defiance). 5:20 a.m.

"How bad could the security lines be at 5:30 a.m.?" you mumble out loud.

Walk directly to the e-ticket kiosk and get a boarding pass - no luggage to check - good. Dare I try to change seats to see if an exit row is available? No, just keep going. Forgot to check on the gate. Sweaty palms and feet noticeable.

Fast walk to departing gates, turn the corner and come upon security build up. All the "7 habits of highly effective" people are there at least an hour ahead of boarding and they are happy and chatty. The rest of us deadbeats smell like we just played a game of half-court basketball and are fidgeting as the ASA gestapo work in slow motion. Heart still pounding, body tensing and suspense building.

Take out the laptop, remove the change, take off the coat, remove the shoes...anything else?

"Please God, don't make me the subject of a random search this morning."

"I didn't hear anyone say, 'go' Honey, did you?" cracks inspector Shantelle. "Okay now, next!"

Go through clean and hop on one foot over to a chair to put my shoes back on. Heavy breathing.

"What is my gate number?"

Take a quick detour to look up at the departing flights board to find my gate.

"Where am I going - Orlando or Tampa? Delta..it must be Orlando."

Adrenaline at its peak....glance at the board and ....CANCELLED.

Body convulses for a brief moment in shock and all of my energy then ceases to exist. All that work and emotion for nothing. There will be no takeoff or landing today.

That's the same feeling you get when you lose an erection. So, if you are a woman who has had this travel experience you have also had the experience of losing an erection. We really aren't that different after all.

Let me know if this description of how a man sees the world was helpful to the women subscribers. Conversely, if I just widened the gap recommend a title from Ophrah's Book Club that might help me out.