The Importance of 3 Inches

3 inches isn't very long. It's about the distance between your thumb and index finger when you are trying to show someone what 1 inch looks like (try it). As illustrated by the photo above, it's approximately 4 pennies laid side by side. It isn't particularly significant but I could see where every inch would be important for some things in life.

I think inches were important to the surveyors of the transcontinental railroad. If they had been off in their calculations by 3 inches both the Union Pacific and Central Pacific would have dead ended in Promontory Point, Utah. Today we'd be celebrating St. Patrick's Day and the Chinese New Year in the land of the Mormons.

I also think inches were important to the engineers of the George Washington Bridge. Leaving 3 inches off the span across the Hudson River would have made the bridge the world's largest and most expensive diving board.

3 inches are very important in a football game. Have you ever been to a football game where the officials say "close enough" on 4th and inches? When a defense stops the offense on the goal line just inches short of a touchdown, 65,000 people go bananas and remember the play forever.

And finally, (you knew it was coming) 3 inches is extremely important to a guy. Whether you are talking about adding or subtracting 3 inches to the male organ, either would be a life changing event. Making it bigger would result in needing larger underwear, while making it (any) smaller would turn you towards the Lord.

So, when wouldn't 3 inches be important? Well, how about when your fence of the last 20 years is 3 inches over your neighbor's property line?

My mom's neighbor came to her house last week to ask Mom to move the fence. Apparently they had the lot surveyed and come to find out the fence at the far end of their yard is off by 3 inches. I want to know what bastard in the neighborhood tipped them off!

The Mrs. came over to my mom's to give her the bad news. My mom was surprised to see her because in the 2 years these stiffs have lived behind Mom, they never once visited her house. The Mr. hasn't acknowledged my mother once. This is the norm for most neighbors today, but you wonder what the hell they think when they see an 80 year old lady (Mom, are you 80 yet?) raking leaves, shoveling snow or mowing her own lawn. I think I know, because now they want her to move the fence.

How important could 3 inches in the back of a suburban lot be to someone? When Mom invited the neighbor in for a cup of coffee, she refused the offer and said all she wanted was "to get her land back". Upon doing some research I found out this gal's great great grandfather was a tenant farmer in Ireland and her great grandfather was a participant in the Oklahoma Land Rush of 1889. I think Mom's fence is sitting on the spot where the neighbor wants to plant her pansies.

These people aren't qualified to be called neighbors. Neighbors say hello when they see you in your yard, neighbors wave to you when you drive by, neighbors send their boys over to shovel your front steps when it snows and their girls visit when it's time to buy Girl Scout cookies. Neighbors help and respect each other.

My mother respects and helps her neighbors - even these low lifes. She told the woman she would not only move the fence, but she would replace it as they had boldly mentioned before it wasn't to their liking. This coming from people whose house is colored feces brown.

So, my mom is thinking about what type of fence to get to separate the yards. I already have thought of two alternatives.

My first thought was to buy a 6 foot stockade fence and paint the side facing the neighbor's house fire engine red. The risk here is that they may actually like the color red.

A better idea would be to buy a 3 foot white picket fence and start to store all the shit in the garage behind the shed near the fence. If there is enough room left over we'll park the old Cadillac back there too! Now that we know where the property line starts and finishes we might as well use the whole lot.

This just might be the thing to get them talking in a more neighborly fashion. Maybe I'll introduce myself to them next time I visit Mom and see what option they prefer.