Extended Warranty

A few years back I had a freak medical condition called atrial fibrilation. Basically your heart can't catch its rhythm (more persistent in white guys) and begins to beat rapidly and irregularly.

In the normal course of life, chambers of the heart open once to allow blood to flow in and a second time to push it all out. This lub-dub 2-step keeps you on the dance floor. When in fibrilation, the lub-dub turns into the ranting of a beatnik on the bongos. The danger isn't in the downbeat, but in the fact that not all the blood clears the chamber. The stuff that hangs around will eventually dislodge and has the potential to block an artery causing a stroke. When that happens you either die or wake up months later talking like Moms Mabley.

Ironically it doesn't have much to do with the condition of your heart. Atrial fibrillation shows up as a blip on the human electric grid - a short in the circuitry no less. Once you are in fibrillation there are a number of ways to reset the rhythmic heartbeat and for me it was 30 days of blood thinner and a cardioversion. A cardioversion is when they mainline a few volts of pure Connecticut Light & Power electricity into your body - it resets all channels.

It turns out there is a correlation between atrial fibrillation and another medical condition, sleep apnea. My physician suggested I get tested for sleep apnea and sure enough I tested positive.

"What is it, Doc? Is it bad!? You gotta tell me, Doc.....am I going to live?"

"Yes, you'll live. But you're never going to sleep."

I don't know how you get sleep apnea, but the symptoms are easily detected. You constantly toss and turn, snore like an elephant seal and then stop breathing altogether. You wake up in the morning feeling as though you just climbed Mt. Washington. By 2:00 in the afternoon you are ready for bed again. The long term effect is it messes with your power grid and eventually blows a fuse. If you keep turning a light switch on and off sooner or later the bulb shorts out.

One of the cures for sleep apnea is a contraption called a CPAP machine. It blows a regulated stream of air (very dry air) through your nasal passage to prevent a small piece of flesh from closing and causing momentary suffocation.

"So Doc, what is the presciption?"

"Up your nose with a rubber hose - literally."

A piece of tubing is attached to the CPAP machine on one end and a fighter pilot mask on the other. It really looks silly.

"I'm not lying, Honey. It doesn't look silly. Seriously."

"Right. I probably remind you of Tom Cruise in Top Gun. Do you want to make love? I'll radio ahead to air traffic control and get clearance for a landing."

When I put on my mask and look in the mirror I don't see Maverick, The Great Santini or Chuck Yeager. Instead I see Snuffleupagus. Sesame Street might be a fun and sunny place, but it's never been known for romance. I'm too young to be a eunuch.

Vanity has kept me from using my CPAP machine with regularity. Dumb on my part. Everyone I know who uses a machine (the list is growing) swears by the results. They all feel well rested, happy, productive and some have even lost weight. A successful c-papper can evangelize on the merits of the machine as well as Billy Graham can Jesus Christ. They'll make you a believer.

At my last office visit my doctor was curious as to why I was still lacking energy and was the color of a bucket of ash. Knowing I would be less than forthright in divulging my symptoms, he asked me a psychological question.

"Robert, if you could be anyone from history at this moment, who would it be?"

"That's easy, Rip Van Winkle," I said with a yawn.

"You really do need to start using your breathing apparatus."

"Okay, Doc. I will."

I am making a concerted effort to cooperate and so far so good. I even took my machine with me on business travel to California.

I'm still not sleeping for 8 continuous hours, but that's because of a urinary problem; I am breathing great. Hey, maybe they have a hose they can attach to another part of my body. I gotta call my doctor!

"Goodnight, Mary-Ellen. Goodnight, Jim-Bob. Goodnight, Elizabeth. Goodnight, Ben. Goodnight, Jason. Goodnight, Erin. Goodnight, Grandma. Goodnight, Grandpa. Goodnight John-boy."

"Goodnight, everyone!"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.