Desperately Seeking a Hockey Housewife

I have a friend named Buck. His real name is Paul. We tagged him with the nickname when he was in the 7th grade. Back then his teeth were parallel to the ground and the name was appropriate. Today he is a handsome man with perfect teeth, but good branding never goes away.

He was Uncle Buck before John Candy ever read the script. It would be interesting to trace back the idea for the movie to see if it’s origins were in a crazy yarn or two spun at the Church Street Tavern in Burlington, VT. There just can’t be two Uncle Bucks.

He really is an uncle to his siblings’ kids. But he is also a pseudo-uncle to 50 other children; none of them by birth. My children all refer to him as Uncle Buck and I am sure within a year, my grandson Nathaniel will be calling him the same. Kids love Buck as much as he loves them.

But you know the guy should really be a known as Dad. He’d make a wonderful father and he deserves to have his own family. He’s got the house (two of them), car, nice furniture, four bedroom sets, all the kitchen appliances, a vacuum, big screen TV, piano, fish tanks, computers, total gym, washer and dryer, DishTV, Jacuzzi, artwork, floor lamps, a sock drawer, closet full of Hawaiian shirts, cowboy hats, extras skis, Q-tips in every bathroom and a music DVD library with more titles than Amazon.com.

What he doesn’t have is a woman. We’ve got to find one for him and the sooner the better. I figure he is going to want at least 3 children and if he waits much longer he’ll be 80 by the time the last one graduates from college. No, we need to find Buck a good looking, fun-loving fertile female that wants to bare kids three at a time right now! We need a pioneer woman. Anybody got any candidates?

The problem is Buck is a bit finicky when it comes to women. He’s been trying forever to meet a nice girl in a bar - that’s kind of an oxymoron. He also was on a kick for last 15 years where he wouldn’t entertain the thought of hooking up with anyone over the age of 21. Now that he’s 50, I think he has given up on that fantasy, or at least until the next time he watches Bo Derek in the movie 10. Note to Buck: It’s a movie!

Where does a guy meet a nice wholesome girl? I’ve always thought church would be a good place. I see plenty of lovely single women in the pews every week. I can’t read minds, but I’d be willing to bet a paycheck a few say a prayer on Sunday hoping God will drop a nice man into their life. This strategy would work if I could only get Buck to go to Mass.

What about a dating service? It might work but if you look up the profiles of people registered on Match.com who have an interest in the Green Bay Packers or Montreal Canadians it returns a lot more men than women. A query on “pizza and beer” brings back the same results. There is no time for Pygmalion with Buck. He is what he is at this point in life.

So what is left? Well, yesterday I was at an international youth hockey tournament in Quebec. Between games they had the Stanley Cup on display in the lobby of the ice arena. People lined up to get their photo taken with the Cup. Julie lined up with them. When it was her turn to be photographed you could tell the guy from the NHL was gaga over her. Years ago I would have been jealous. Yesterday it sparked an ingenious idea – have Buck follow the Stanley Cup around to find a woman.

I’d even suggest he stick to the tour in the Province of Quebec. There is a natural hat trick waiting to be had:

1. A woman of his kind – French.
2. A lovely woman – French Canadians are very feminine.
3. A woman who is crazy about the Montreal Canadians.

Buck’s dream girl isn’t on the beaches of Florida, Mexico or Portugal. He isn’t going to find her in a bar in Burlington, VT, Madison, WI or Dublin, Ireland. No Brother, your Barbie Doll is bundled up somewhere in Drummondville, Quebec and she is waiting for your arrival.

We’ll begin the search as soon as you get back from Cancun. I am thinking we can make this into a reality television series and sell the rights to Hockey Night in Canada. CBC will follow you around with a camera as you search for the perfect hockey hottie. Fans will be instructed to text message a vote for their favorite by entering 1-43-726737 (he scores) on their cell phones. This is going to be big!

Congratulations, Uncle Buck. You’re finally on your way to fatherhood

P.S. While in Cancun if a 21 year old walks out of the azure waters of the Atlantic clad in a gold bikini and offers you a Tequila Sunrise – don’t take it! She is a whore sent by the devil.