Unpatriotic Bastard

So as not to get into too much trouble, I want to state right up front that I love the USA.

You can't find a guy who gets a bigger kick out of the 4th of July than yours truly. I buy a new red, white and blue shirt to wear at the town wide picnic every year. I get the family together and we go and sit for hours with the rest of the melting pot waiting to cap off the day with a brilliant firework display. As the rockets burst above us and Kate Smith sings "God Bless America" you can see tears rolling down my cheek in the red afterglow.

I'll sing patriotic songs all day - God Bless America, America the Beautiful, The National Anthem. I'll recite the Pledge of Allegiance, read the Declaration of Independence and act out the Gettysburg Address. To wake the kids at daybreak I'll bark out, "The British are coming, the British are coming!"

But that is on the 4th of July.

When I go to a sporting event I loath the fact we have to start every game with The National Anthem. Is loath a stronger word than hate? Because if it is not, I hate the fact we have to start every game with The National Anthem. Yesterday we went to a college hockey doubleheader and they sang The National Anthem twice!

The lyrics are nice, but the song actually sucks. There are about 3 people in the world who can sing it the way it was penned by Francis Scott Key - Whitney Houston, Cher and Celine Dion. Celine isn't even an American.

Why in the world do we have to reaffirm our patriotism before some guy throws the first pitch, drops the puck, or tosses up the jump ball? Half the guys playing in any game you watch aren't even from the United States. At least at the college level couldn't we just stick to the school fight songs? Heck, if its two Catholic schools according to the current logic we should all be saying the Apostles Creed and then let the boys go at it.

Given our current penchant for singing contest, I think we could make The National Anthem much more enjoyable for the common fan. At least for the really big games, I'd like to reunite the Gong Show cast of Chuck Barris, Artie Johnson, Jaye P. Morgan and Jamie Farr. We can have them standing on the sideline with a giant gong as the singer attempts to make it all the way through to "and the home of the brave."

Can't you just hear 15,000 fans screaming, "Gong him, Dog! Gong him!" As soon as the singer gets gonged, Gene Gene the Dancing Machine would shuffle out to mid-court and toss up the ball or drop the puck - game on!