Synchronous Diaphragmatic Flutter

1 day after surgery, my knee feels - hic - great. No pain - hic, a little stiffness - hic-hic, but all in all - hic-hic-hic, I'm ready to start doing jumping jacks - hic. If only I could take a deep breath without - hic!- hiccoughing (love the old English).

I spent last night alternating between my bed, my computer, the kitchen and the bathroom trying to remedy a chronic case of synchronous diaphragmatic flutter, the hiccups. In speaking with the hospital this morning, I found out my sleepless night was a side effect of yesterday's anesthesia. Seriously, bring back the pain in my knee.

Medically they (you know, those guys!) can tell you how hiccups work, but they can't tell you why you get them or how to stop them with any certainty. Hippocrates and Plato pondered a cure and found none, so I at least felt positive about my time spent on the computer searching for relief.

I found the following situational puzzle on the internet: A man walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a drink of water. The bartender pulls out a gun, points it at the man, and cocks it. The man says "Thank you" and leaves. What happened?

Going through a list of logical questions you come to the conclusion the man had the hiccups, went in for a drink of water, but knowing that wouldn't work, the bartender decides to scare the patron instead. It works and the patron skips the glass of water, says thank you and leaves. Great story, but I still had the hiccups, so I Googled "hiccups" again.

Here's the list of folk remedies I tried:

• Breath in and out of a paper bag. Paper or plastic? Does that question sound familiar? I couldn't find a paper bag.


• Drink a glass of water from the opposite side of the glass. As I put the cup up to my lips, I was thinking "the water is going to slop all over my shirt". I was right.


• Have someone scare you. Julie offered to scare me around 3:00 a.m. Even coming out of a deep sleep she is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. Nothing scary there. I'd have done better rekindling my belief in the boogyman, going down to my closet and opening the door quickly. Next time.


• Pull on your tongue. This seemed to work at relieving some built up gas, but I still had the hiccups.


• Take a big gulp of water, plug both your ears and slowly swallow the water. This one actually worked on 2 episodes, but not on 2 others. More research needed.


• Do nothing. Eventually the hiccups do go away, come back, and then go away. Makes for a restless night. Oh well, I love a daylight nap.