Truffle on Suicide Watch

The dog tried to kill herself this morning, and the cat helped out. Truffle almost overdosed on a prescription drug meant to help her arthritic condition. While Dora hasn't confessed to the assisted suicide attempt, we've been able to reconstruct the incident. It went down like this:

7:00 A.M. - Dora (the cat) jumps up on our bed and walks across my forehead. When I don't budge she moves to an overstuffed chair and begins to attempt to declaw herself by ripping into the upholstery. I throw a pillow in her direction and she meows. Disgruntled she walks out of our room and heads towards the kitchen.

7:10 A.M. - Dora jumps up on the kitchen counter and finds an empty can of cat food. Angry there isn't a fresh can opened, she begins knocking items off the shelf. Cooking spices, a box of Jello, the empty can of cat food and a plastic container. The cat is hungry...and impatient.

7:12 A.M. - Truffle, having heard the tin can hit the floor, shuffles out to the kitchen in hopes of leftover cat food. An opportunist, the dog has a collection of cat food cans stashed behind the couch. Her routine includes licking the can clean in search of a morsel of chicken liver pate before beginning to shred the metal with her teeth.

7:13 A.M. - Truffle leaves the cat food can where it lay and instead goes to investigate the plastic container that has spilled open. Jackpot! The container is her prescription bottle of PhyCox JS, a soft chew joint support formula to help reduce inflammation and discomfort due to normal daily activity.

7:45 A.M. - Julie rises and goes out into the kitchen to put on the coffee pot. She notices the empty PhyCox container on the floor and picks it up to read the label - In case of accidental overdose, contact a health professional immediately. "Rob!" I'm not a health professional.

8:10 A.M. - Julie ushers Truffle into the Animal Medical Clinic where they rush her into an operating room to pump her stomach. "Why, Truffle, why?"

8:30 A.M. - Truffle throws up 52 pills. The vet pulls Julie aside and warns that she may not be out of trouble yet. If enough of the PhyCox got into her system it could cause kidney or liver failure and prove fatal. Julie begins to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy.

10:30 A.M. - Animal Medical Clinic gives Truffle a clean bill of health and discharges her with a caveat of nothing to eat for the remainder of the day. Julie calls home to give me the good news. I stop making The Life and Times of Truffle Mullen slide show. The cat meows and walks away.

So you ask, why in the world would a dog want to eat a bottle of pills? The answer is not depression. No, the answer is they taste good. Unlike the bitter pills we swallow for our own maladies, canine drugs are often disguised as a tasty treat to fool a dog into digesting the prescribed dosage. Having once witnessed my chocolate lab poop out a kotex, I don't think it's necessary to coat her medication with artificial beef flavoring. We're thinking of suing the manufacturer for emotional distress...and $159 medical bill. Frigin' dog!

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